Life as a disappointment
First of all, this feels very teenage angsty, writing a “my mom doesn’t understand me!” post. But this is really bothering me, and you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to deal with my whining!
My mother is a very suburban type. She is a special ed teacher, got married straight out of college, and has many friends who she walks, goes on bike rides, and gets coffee with regularly. She is very Catholic, never drinks more than one drink at any given time, and is an insufferable neat freak. She is very concerned with appearances. And I often get the impression that she’s not happy with the way I turned out.
I’m pierced, tattooed, atheist, introverted, and a musician. I want to do something big with my life. She wants me to do something safe and comfortable. I know it’s because she doesn’t want me to end up homeless or dead in a ditch somewhere. But I still feel like she’s trying to hold me back.
Take tonight for example. My mom dragged me to my next door neighbor’s graduation party, even though I would have rather stayed home and watched Psych. My neighbor, Ryan, is my age and went to my high scool, but we have never been friends. Nothing against the guy, we just never fit into the same group. Anyways my mom dragged me along with her and my dad to this graduation party, telling me I should chat up some of his “cute” friends. I had no interest so I just chatted with a friend of mine about Game of Thrones for the majority of the party, then my neighbor showed a bunch of us his shitty dubstep rap music that he and his roommate made. Then we went home, and I was making fun of the shitty dubstep music, and my mom told me to stop being mean and snobby. Then she wouldn’t stop talking about all the dumb boys at the party and how I should have talked to them more, and how I’m just sooo cute and definitely need a boyfriend, completely ignoring the fact that I don’t even want one.
She also is currently very disappointed that I’m planning on pursuing a film scoring masters degree rather than a regular music composition one, because she apparently really thinks I should consider being a professor. I DON’T WANT TO BE A PROFESSOR. I WANT TO BE A FILM COMPOSER.
I need to move the fuck out of this house, because I’m tired of feeling inadequate because I’m single, don’t have a ton of friends (and I actually do, just not here in Winfield), and making the supposedly dumb decision of pursuing something I want to do with my life. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a steady suburban life. I don’t want religion to be a part of my life. I want to be covered in tattoos. I want to travel the world without an itinerary. I want to occasionally drink too much in one sitting. I want to smoke pot sometimes. I want to continue to (GOD FORBID) have sex before I’m married. Maybe even with guys I’m not in love with, sometimes! I want to put all of my energy into this film scoring thing, because the only way it’ll ever happen is if I put everything I have into it, instead of wasting part of myself preparing for a backup career.
This is dumb. So dumb. It’s all dumb. I can’t stay in an environment where I’m constantly being judged. Roommates may be hard to live with sometimes, but at least all the ones I have lived with supported all my decisions. I need to move out, so I can be back with my friends, and so my mom can delude herself into thinking that I’m becoming the person she wants me to be while I’m gone.
